Saturday, October 22, 2005
verisimilitude
I have caused harm to many of my friends. Because of me, the rest suffered. Because of me, the rest have to be blamed. How many lives must I ruin in this life. How many people has to be burdened by my presence, by my existence.
I feel like fuck inside. Everytime I tried to trust, to change, picking up the broken shards from where I left off, it will just fall apart, again and again. I learned to believe, and I dared to dream this time, but it all just crumbled around me.
It seems like a small event, which happens daily. Yet, others got hurt when they are not supposed to. When I am the one who are meant to get hurt, it chose not to. The guilt of the past still haunts me, and now it came flooding back. It feels like reliving the past events. I made it happen again, just like before. If there's something I have learnt from the past, it is not to trust, not to dream. If you fall, at least you won't fall too hard. It seems I haven't learnt at all. I have to suppress the other side of me.
Many feel it is wrong. But I feel that it is safe. At least i can prevent others from getting hurt in my place. It won't make me relive the guilt.
I hate being such an emo shit, bitching about my feelings. I hate being so weak. How should I face others again.
Left his memories on 3:57 AM|
~ It's just a goodnight and not goodbye ~
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