Pain. Abject, horibble, excruciating pain. Unrelenting, unbearable and unspeakable pain. (ok la.... not that bad, but still painful) Ugh! *clutch my heart* My life is getting worse day by day. Unspoken truths, hurtful revelations, harsh oppressions and desolate solitude. A lot of things I wanna say, but I couldn't share it with anyone. But I can't be so gullible to trust anyone.
Sometimes even our friends might hurt us unintentionally. What they hoped that is good for us, might not end up as desired. Analogy: Happy Tree Friends.
I am in need of friends. Someone that I can call my "best friend". I really miss Catholic High. Should have treasured those moments when we are still together. Should have enjoyed those times when we can feel each other's presence. In AJ, the feelings are not there. Felt that I am just a joke there. No one that I can rely on. No one cares....
I am not the only person having this torment inside now. There are others who experience difficulties within themselves. But still, words and encouragements might not help at all. When we are esperiencing deep sorrow or difficult circumstances, we may feel offended if someone suggest that something good may emerge from our adversity. A well-meaning person who tries to encourage us may be percieved as insensitive or unrealistic. There are times when our hurts and fears can close our heart to the hopes in life and even our friends and people around us. In the darkest times, when the days are long and weary, we still need friends to support us and pull us through.
Last Sunday, I met up with my Cat High friends at Victoria Concert Hall, watch Keng Wee perform for his RJ chorale. It has been a long while since I experienced joy and laughters. The performance was brilliant and, some parts, hilarious. The concert ended around 10pm, then we went to Starbucks at Raffles City to eat together. Created a lot of turbulence. Took a picture together....
That's me in the corner, blocked by "someThing" huge... ooops
I felt really comfortable and happy to be with my old class again. But still, there are some people I wished to see that are absent.
I really wish that I can relive the old days. Wish that I would have the wisdom to understand the things in life. Also wish that I can find a true friend soon.
My Daily Bread:Some friends may ruin you,but a real friend will be moreloyal than a brother.Proverbs 16:24
Dear bloggy, miss u so much. Can't live w/o u. Ok.... really no time to post new entry since the orientation. Things just keep rushing in, homeworks and essays and, worst of all, projects. Currently holding 6 projects now (3 from my CCA & another 3 in class) *sigh* JC life sucks!!! Somebody save me!
To elaborate on the 'JC life sucks' part, well, there's a lot. Firstly, I have to deal with so many changes now. I have come across with so many changes lately. My new class isn't the same as my secondary and first 3 months class anymore, full of life, joy and hapiness. Slacks and sociable. Now, my class comprises of many serious muggers. No time for fun, no room for friends and no life at all. Tense atmospheres, everyone minding their own business (gd thing actualli) and competing for the top mugger position in the class.
The transition is unbearable. For years of being in lively classes, once introduced to a hypotonic mugging class (hypotonic), I should just swell up and burst. See... even I am affected, using scientifical terms and stuffs.
I feel like I am coming to a state of hysteria. It is just like what I experienced 2 years ago, when I was in a state of depression, crying at 0.01Hz and felt no hope at all in life, when I just shook myself off from the whole reality and deprive myself of sanity.... What was my purpose in life and what am I going to do about my future. I am scared that I make a small failure, failure to catch up among the rest, which would cost me my future. That time I seek help from my parents and churchmates, and it was the Hand of God that pulled me out from the vortex of sorrow and despair.
Now not yet, but I feel it coming, trying to engulf me back in sorrow and drown me in solitude for eternity. Ok... the more I talk abt it the more I am risking myself towards that vortex.
Some people always envy me because I am always happy and cheerful (according to others). How I wish that they can take over my body and experience for themselves what I am feeling now. Only then would they realise. Forcing a smile on yourself while your inside is breaking and shattering is very difficult. But still, I smiled. I don't want to affect others, I don't want them to suffer the same way as I do, I don't want them to take pity on me whatsoever. I like bringing joy upon others....
I know it is rather too late for me to say this, but I would like to thank some people for their support for me. Jia Hao, Mervyn and Zhi Yan for being my best friends. Keng Wee for inspiring me. My fellow scouts for the fun in my life. Even though first 3 months are short, Ka Shing, Kenji, Weicheng, Sonia and Avril, thank you for cheering me up, consoling me and tolerating my crap. The list goes on and on and on......
Okay, back to why JC life sucks, is that the new teachers are rather, ummm... unfavourable. It is rather unfair for me to judge my teachers negatively just because of one teacher I totally dislike. And tt's my 'hua wen lao shi' I dared to comment about her because she is a chinese teacher, most probably sucks in English to read this and too outdated and old to log on to my blog. So, the next entire paragraph is dedicated entirely to her. Presenting....*drum roll* Mrs Alice Teo a.k.a. li bai yang (her real chinese name, no kiddin')
Ok... Name's realli li bai yang. She prefer to be addressed as 'li bai' (a famous chinese poet who abviously sucks at choosing names), but we insists on 'bai yang' (white goat which rams people's ass for no reason). First impression she gave me already sucks. Entered her first class late because I was lost on the way. Then she screamed at me in front of class, all the way to how she mocks catholic high. That's the part where I feel like dragging her off , chuck her into the dustbin and lock the lids with soundproff and air tight coating around, but there's too many witnesses present, but then again, they would probably support me. Then I could haul the bin off the corridor also. Screamed at another group who went down to collect chem notes. She admonished us for not doing what she expects, like initiative to take attendance, which she never instructed us to do at all before, and went on for the whole period.
One paragraph is not enough to cover her sins, make it 2. She criticised us as PROUD people, when she herself bragged how a genius she is. She looked down on us AJ students for being the rejects who cannot enter top 5 JC, while she make herself known as a HC graduate. Said she top 5 we are not. The latest update of her crap is that she forbid us to do argumentative and only allow narrative essays in 'A' level. Can't believe even such person exist. I shall dread every Cl lesson from now on.
I am in need of friends in AJ now. One who can tolerate my griefs, console me and give me support. To share our joys and happiness. But then gain, I just should go to the mirror and say "wait long long".
I went to NUS today morning, for my nanotech project. Only me and Weicheng turned up. I learned about SEM, TEM, AFM and STM, and how they function. The prof let me use the SEM to do a research. It was so amazing, how we can see nanoparticles so clearly on the screen. Venturing into the nanoworld, feel like I was born again.... (ummm, weird analogy). Also learnt how to make silver nanotubes with CuO nanowires and abserve them under SEM. haha... The whole SEM costs half a million (can buy a good HDB flat). Then Weicheng and the prof's assistant argue abt quantum stuffs, competing with each other's brilliance.
Ok, I think tt's all I have to compensate for my long absence on my blog. Nothing much happening, realli. Everyday is filled with studies and all. Have to slp already, tomorrow got a lot of things, church, project meeting and RJC concert. Ta!
PS: Pls take a look at the story below, this is what motivated me throgh my time of trials, that God is in charge and he will take care of me.
My Daily Bread:One night I had a dream. I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and across the skies flashed scenes frommy life. In each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. Onewas mine and one was the Lord's. When the last scene of my lifeappeared before me, I looked back atthe footprints in the sand, and, to mysurprise, I noticed that many timesalong the path of my life there wasonly one set of footprints. I asked the Lord about it: "Lord yousaid that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way. But I notice that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don'tunderstand why you left my side whenI needed you most" "My precious child, I never left youduring your time of trial.Where you see only one set of footprints,I was carrying you"
